"What if..."

"What if you didn't have Lyme Disease?"

The inevitable "what if". The question that everyone has asked at some point. Some people more than others depending on how pesimistic/optimistic, positive/negative they are. With little kids, you should depend on at least 10 "what if's" a day...they're the most curious of us all I guess.

"What if you didn't have Lyme Disease?"

I've been asked that more than once, but never really responded to the question or even thought about it. Recently though, it's really been on my mind. Of course I could go on and on about the negatives... "If I didn't have Lyme Disease I would still be playing sports. I'd be going to college with my friends. I wouldn't have to depend on others for everything. I wouldn't have to take chemo..." blahh, blahh, blahh! But what about the positive things that have come from it? What about the life-changing gifts that have come from it?

What if I didn't have Lyme Disease...
If I didn't have Lyme Disease, I would probably be a judgemental high school snob, deciding my opinions about people based on their appearance, and not their hearts and minds. I've been judged the past few years more than I ever thought I would be. It hurts, bad. How can I do that to others? So they wear the same clothes to school everyday...doesn't mean they're dirty and I'll hug 'em anyway.

I wouldn't appreciate the little things. Feeling okay enough to walk down the road, brain fog lifted for me to read a book to my little cousins, not narc'ing or twitching at school and actually enjoying being there! Those little things, that were always wonderful, are now even more of a blessing and joy.

I wouldn't be as close to my family. These past 5 years, they're who I've depended on. Who I've cried to, who has taken care of me, who are my best friends. My mom is my best friend, my idol, my comfort. My brother is my shoulder, my best hug, my advice giver. My grandma, my aunts...ahh, I'm going to start crying just thinking about it!

I wouldn't have the will-power. I wouldn't be a fighter. I wouldn't be a "Lyme Warrior Princess"

If I didn't have Lyme Disease, it's possible that everyone in my family and others in the community would. I thank God for that everyday. They don't have to suffer (sorry Aunt Janice, didn't get to you soon enough). When I see my little cousins running and laughing it fills me with happiness. They've all had embedded ticks, gotten immediate treatment, and are Lyme-free. They can have that fun and not sadness because of me. I know that's not very modest of me, but I believe it and am proud of it.

What if I didn't have Lyme Disease? I wouldn't be the person I am. I wouldn't love like I do, smile like I do, laugh like I do, I wouldn't be Jenna. I could go on positives and even longer about the negatives. Right at this moment, I'm happy that I have Lyme Disease. (Don't ask me in an hour when my pain and nausea meds wear off, but please do remind me)

Chicken Fingers! ...ONLY

When going through one of those crappy chemo treatments, you don't have hardly any appetite. Sometimes, just looking at food makes you sick, but there's usually something that looks good to people that they can eat and only eat!

I guess it's because I'm 17? Maybe it's because I've never really dieted, and always eat the good stuff (CARBS, CALORIES, SUGAR, and FAT..Heck yes!" Anyways, I've remembered a few my wacky treats during those nasty weeks! Please note that during these periods of time, Lori Hansroth was secretly hiding nutriets in everything. No one was harmed...accept Jenna gained 10 pounds!!

Covered with snow (white powder)! For a week it was powdered donuts. Nothing more than powdered donuts. My black lab liked to stand under me while I ate them, her begging. When I was done, though eating carefully, she had snowflakes on her black fur and a white beard.

This Week: Philly Cheese-steak stuff and pudding. VANILLA PUDDING, not chocolate nor butterscotch or any of that shabang...VANILLA PUDDING

Something a little healthy? Seriously? Mom was shocked that for a week, I wanted cheesy rice caserole. Woo! But chocolate ice cream was so great too!! Give me a huge spoon, and I was a happy girl. I can't look at anything accept for those!

The power of chicken fingers. They could fight off any foods, and could save me against vomitting and starvation! Shake it, Shake it! Nahh, that really hurts (Lyme, I've had it with your shenanigans!.) Milkshakes would suffice. Mom added protein powder without my knowledge and made them taste a little funny...not happy Mother.

Brenton: "You have to eat something"
MOMMA: "PLEASE eat something"
GRAMCRACKER: "You'll lose all of your curves. Not just weight, your curves. Think about that before your actions"

Hmm, nahh. I'll eat. I promise I'll eat. I'll eat marshmallow fluff and drink chocolate milkshakes. (I doubt they liked that.)

I've had so many weeks of chemo, and somehow I always can only handle funky foods that don't make me sick to look at or vomitt. I could name so many more combos, but I think you get the picture. So, kind of, sort of, maybe trying to get a point across: During those weeks, I'm extremely sick and hurting. I can barely keep anything down, so please boys and girls don't say that I'm starving myself and force food in my face. Thanks :)