Tuesday, June 22, 2010

To be Perky or Not to be Perky...

I'm a perky person. Or so I've been told. "Perky Jenna", "Smiling Jenna", and "Happy Jenna" are just a few names that I've been called. People tell me I'm a positive person. I have always taken it as a compliment, until recently. I've been extremely sick for 6 years now. Diabetes, diabetic complications, constantly battling raging blood sugar numbers, and finally, Lyme Disease are just a few parts to the equation. I went at least a year before being diagnosed with the Lyme Disease and now it's in the late stages. Constant headache for a year, severe memory-loss, not being able to speak or read 90% of the time, severe fatigue, not being able to breathe most of the time, cry and scream pain that NEVER goes away (meds help to calm me down, not take the pain away), and twitching are just a small number of symptoms that I've had for the past year. When people ask how I'm doing, I say "pretty good" every time because it's become automatic. I thought that if people knew how I was REALLY feeling that they would think of me as "the sick kid". So, when I am occasionally around my friends (too sick to attend school), I act like nothing is wrong and my normal "Perky Jenna" self. Even around strangers I act like nothing is wrong. That's officially bitten me in the butt.
I'm in my 4th, close to my 5th month of intense IV antibiotic treatments, compared to chemotherapy. I'm sicker than a dog, and usually don't get out of bed except to pee. For that to happen, my brother has to carry me to the bathroom, my mom helps me, and I get carried back. TMI, I know, but people just aren't getting it. I'M SICK!!! My friends obviously don't take me seriously. I never get called, texted or emailed unless I contact them out of the blue. Usually they're too busy with their social lives to get back to me. No one stops by except my boyfriend. Most teachers at my high school claim that I'm faking, don't make an effort to help out in anyway, or say that I'm just trying to get attention. All of this because when I'm around them, I'm perky and don't complain. Since when do you have to whine all of the time and mope around to be classified as seriously sick?! I feel guilty telling people how I feel because I feel like I shouldn't complain...JESUS HUNG ON A CROSS! I can handle what I'm going through. BUT, I'm cutting the poop (crap is not a nice word)! I'm going to let people know how I really feel (without whining). I'm going to say "I feel like I'm dying", as many people with Lyme Disease and Diabetic complications do. I'll be happy and pleasant while doing so, but maybe people will learn that I am REALLY sick.

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