"What if you didn't have Lyme Disease?"
The inevitable "what if". The question that everyone has asked at some point. Some people more than others depending on how pesimistic/optimistic, positive/negative they are. With little kids, you should depend on at least 10 "what if's" a day...they're the most curious of us all I guess.
"What if you didn't have Lyme Disease?"
I've been asked that more than once, but never really responded to the question or even thought about it. Recently though, it's really been on my mind. Of course I could go on and on about the negatives... "If I didn't have Lyme Disease I would still be playing sports. I'd be going to college with my friends. I wouldn't have to depend on others for everything. I wouldn't have to take chemo..." blahh, blahh, blahh! But what about the positive things that have come from it? What about the life-changing gifts that have come from it?
What if I didn't have Lyme Disease...
If I didn't have Lyme Disease, I would probably be a judgemental high school snob, deciding my opinions about people based on their appearance, and not their hearts and minds. I've been judged the past few years more than I ever thought I would be. It hurts, bad. How can I do that to others? So they wear the same clothes to school everyday...doesn't mean they're dirty and I'll hug 'em anyway.
I wouldn't appreciate the little things. Feeling okay enough to walk down the road, brain fog lifted for me to read a book to my little cousins, not narc'ing or twitching at school and actually enjoying being there! Those little things, that were always wonderful, are now even more of a blessing and joy.
I wouldn't be as close to my family. These past 5 years, they're who I've depended on. Who I've cried to, who has taken care of me, who are my best friends. My mom is my best friend, my idol, my comfort. My brother is my shoulder, my best hug, my advice giver. My grandma, my aunts...ahh, I'm going to start crying just thinking about it!
I wouldn't have the will-power. I wouldn't be a fighter. I wouldn't be a "Lyme Warrior Princess"
If I didn't have Lyme Disease, it's possible that everyone in my family and others in the community would. I thank God for that everyday. They don't have to suffer (sorry Aunt Janice, didn't get to you soon enough). When I see my little cousins running and laughing it fills me with happiness. They've all had embedded ticks, gotten immediate treatment, and are Lyme-free. They can have that fun and not sadness because of me. I know that's not very modest of me, but I believe it and am proud of it.
What if I didn't have Lyme Disease? I wouldn't be the person I am. I wouldn't love like I do, smile like I do, laugh like I do, I wouldn't be Jenna. I could go on positives and even longer about the negatives. Right at this moment, I'm happy that I have Lyme Disease. (Don't ask me in an hour when my pain and nausea meds wear off, but please do remind me)
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Chicken Fingers! ...ONLY
When going through one of those crappy chemo treatments, you don't have hardly any appetite. Sometimes, just looking at food makes you sick, but there's usually something that looks good to people that they can eat and only eat!
I guess it's because I'm 17? Maybe it's because I've never really dieted, and always eat the good stuff (CARBS, CALORIES, SUGAR, and FAT..Heck yes!" Anyways, I've remembered a few my wacky treats during those nasty weeks! Please note that during these periods of time, Lori Hansroth was secretly hiding nutriets in everything. No one was harmed...accept Jenna gained 10 pounds!!
Covered with snow (white powder)! For a week it was powdered donuts. Nothing more than powdered donuts. My black lab liked to stand under me while I ate them, her begging. When I was done, though eating carefully, she had snowflakes on her black fur and a white beard.
This Week: Philly Cheese-steak stuff and pudding. VANILLA PUDDING, not chocolate nor butterscotch or any of that shabang...VANILLA PUDDING
Something a little healthy? Seriously? Mom was shocked that for a week, I wanted cheesy rice caserole. Woo! But chocolate ice cream was so great too!! Give me a huge spoon, and I was a happy girl. I can't look at anything accept for those!
The power of chicken fingers. They could fight off any foods, and could save me against vomitting and starvation! Shake it, Shake it! Nahh, that really hurts (Lyme, I've had it with your shenanigans!.) Milkshakes would suffice. Mom added protein powder without my knowledge and made them taste a little funny...not happy Mother.
Brenton: "You have to eat something"
MOMMA: "PLEASE eat something"
GRAMCRACKER: "You'll lose all of your curves. Not just weight, your curves. Think about that before your actions"
Hmm, nahh. I'll eat. I promise I'll eat. I'll eat marshmallow fluff and drink chocolate milkshakes. (I doubt they liked that.)
I've had so many weeks of chemo, and somehow I always can only handle funky foods that don't make me sick to look at or vomitt. I could name so many more combos, but I think you get the picture. So, kind of, sort of, maybe trying to get a point across: During those weeks, I'm extremely sick and hurting. I can barely keep anything down, so please boys and girls don't say that I'm starving myself and force food in my face. Thanks :)
I guess it's because I'm 17? Maybe it's because I've never really dieted, and always eat the good stuff (CARBS, CALORIES, SUGAR, and FAT..Heck yes!" Anyways, I've remembered a few my wacky treats during those nasty weeks! Please note that during these periods of time, Lori Hansroth was secretly hiding nutriets in everything. No one was harmed...accept Jenna gained 10 pounds!!
Covered with snow (white powder)! For a week it was powdered donuts. Nothing more than powdered donuts. My black lab liked to stand under me while I ate them, her begging. When I was done, though eating carefully, she had snowflakes on her black fur and a white beard.
This Week: Philly Cheese-steak stuff and pudding. VANILLA PUDDING, not chocolate nor butterscotch or any of that shabang...VANILLA PUDDING
Something a little healthy? Seriously? Mom was shocked that for a week, I wanted cheesy rice caserole. Woo! But chocolate ice cream was so great too!! Give me a huge spoon, and I was a happy girl. I can't look at anything accept for those!
The power of chicken fingers. They could fight off any foods, and could save me against vomitting and starvation! Shake it, Shake it! Nahh, that really hurts (Lyme, I've had it with your shenanigans!.) Milkshakes would suffice. Mom added protein powder without my knowledge and made them taste a little funny...not happy Mother.
Brenton: "You have to eat something"
MOMMA: "PLEASE eat something"
GRAMCRACKER: "You'll lose all of your curves. Not just weight, your curves. Think about that before your actions"
Hmm, nahh. I'll eat. I promise I'll eat. I'll eat marshmallow fluff and drink chocolate milkshakes. (I doubt they liked that.)
I've had so many weeks of chemo, and somehow I always can only handle funky foods that don't make me sick to look at or vomitt. I could name so many more combos, but I think you get the picture. So, kind of, sort of, maybe trying to get a point across: During those weeks, I'm extremely sick and hurting. I can barely keep anything down, so please boys and girls don't say that I'm starving myself and force food in my face. Thanks :)
Friday, November 26, 2010
"Notebook Noah" Had it Right
I LOVE the book and movie, "The Notebook." Nicholas Sparks gets to everyone's heart by using his lovely,sweet-talking words.
"If you're a bird, I'm a bird..." All of those cute lines that you see on people's facebooks and written on their pictures with their "other half". They're all cute and fun to use, but several lines are overlooked, and are really important. One line that most don't notice is...
"What do you want?! Damn it! What do you want?!" - Noah (when asking Allie to decide between him and her rich fiance)
What do we really want? In reality, everyone wants everything they can possibly get, but what's really important?
What I want changes every few hours. Most people's lists do. But right now, (I'll keep it short and sweet)...
I want to do more.
I want to help more.
I want to give more.
I want to love more.
Sure, I want a puppy. Who doesn't?!
But that's not my priority right now. Helping others is.
What do you want? The question is straightforward, but an honest answer takes much more thought.
"If you're a bird, I'm a bird..." All of those cute lines that you see on people's facebooks and written on their pictures with their "other half". They're all cute and fun to use, but several lines are overlooked, and are really important. One line that most don't notice is...
"What do you want?! Damn it! What do you want?!" - Noah (when asking Allie to decide between him and her rich fiance)
What do we really want? In reality, everyone wants everything they can possibly get, but what's really important?
What I want changes every few hours. Most people's lists do. But right now, (I'll keep it short and sweet)...
I want to do more.
I want to help more.
I want to give more.
I want to love more.
Sure, I want a puppy. Who doesn't?!
But that's not my priority right now. Helping others is.
What do you want? The question is straightforward, but an honest answer takes much more thought.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
"4 W's and a How".....Wow!
When? Where? Why? Who? How?
In elementary school, these were the questions we'd answer after we read a book, poem, or short story. It showed comprehension and understanding.
I'm around little kids a lot. And recently was being asked about my Lyme Disease.
"When did you get it?" --- "Not quite sure. I just know I've been sick for a very very long time."
"Where did you get Lyme Disease? Your dog?" --- "Well, I got Lyme Disease from a tick. Don't worry, you can't get Lyme Disease from your dog, but you CAN get it from the ticks on your dog! Do tick checks a lot, girls, and DEFINITELY tell your mom or dad if you find one."
"Why did you get Lyme Disease? You're nice." --- "I got Lyme Disease not to be punished, but because God knew I can handle it and stay strong. So I can tell all of you how to keep from getting it. So I learn life lessons, and become a better person.
"Who takes care of you? Who washes your arm and gives you medicine? Do you do ALL of that? You could be a doctor!! Do you have a nurse that comes to your house? My grandpa has that." ---- "I'm lucky to have my mom to take care of me. Right now, she does EVERYTHING for me. I'm too sick to do it by myself. I call her "doctor mom".
"How do you be happy? How do you stay moving? How are you being in the pageant? How can you do all of this everything?" ---- "I'm happy because I'm very lucky in many ways. I stay moving so that I don't become a couch potato and become sad. I'm in the pageant by taking lots and lots of medicines, praying that it'll be okay, and having much will-power. I can 'do all of this everything' because I have to. I don't have a choice. You have to be a fighter, right? When you get a cold, aren't you a fighter?"
I wasn't surprised at all by these questions, kind of impressed actually that they held a conversation using their "4 W's and a How". They asked me so simply. So innocently. And my answers were simple and innocent. I aspire to have the respect these kids do when asking someone questions. I hope to keep my questions simple and innocent. I want to remember the "4 W's and a How" and use it the best of my ability.
In elementary school, these were the questions we'd answer after we read a book, poem, or short story. It showed comprehension and understanding.
I'm around little kids a lot. And recently was being asked about my Lyme Disease.
"When did you get it?" --- "Not quite sure. I just know I've been sick for a very very long time."
"Where did you get Lyme Disease? Your dog?" --- "Well, I got Lyme Disease from a tick. Don't worry, you can't get Lyme Disease from your dog, but you CAN get it from the ticks on your dog! Do tick checks a lot, girls, and DEFINITELY tell your mom or dad if you find one."
"Why did you get Lyme Disease? You're nice." --- "I got Lyme Disease not to be punished, but because God knew I can handle it and stay strong. So I can tell all of you how to keep from getting it. So I learn life lessons, and become a better person.
"Who takes care of you? Who washes your arm and gives you medicine? Do you do ALL of that? You could be a doctor!! Do you have a nurse that comes to your house? My grandpa has that." ---- "I'm lucky to have my mom to take care of me. Right now, she does EVERYTHING for me. I'm too sick to do it by myself. I call her "doctor mom".
"How do you be happy? How do you stay moving? How are you being in the pageant? How can you do all of this everything?" ---- "I'm happy because I'm very lucky in many ways. I stay moving so that I don't become a couch potato and become sad. I'm in the pageant by taking lots and lots of medicines, praying that it'll be okay, and having much will-power. I can 'do all of this everything' because I have to. I don't have a choice. You have to be a fighter, right? When you get a cold, aren't you a fighter?"
I wasn't surprised at all by these questions, kind of impressed actually that they held a conversation using their "4 W's and a How". They asked me so simply. So innocently. And my answers were simple and innocent. I aspire to have the respect these kids do when asking someone questions. I hope to keep my questions simple and innocent. I want to remember the "4 W's and a How" and use it the best of my ability.
Miss Sick Chick Morgan County 2011
What do you have to do to spread the word about Lyme Disease? You can spread awareness through Facebook, through friends, seminars, etc. BUT as a 17 year-old high school girl, not many people listen to what they have to say...despite your loud voice, your stage presence, your perseverance. I prayed and prayed for a way that I could educate people on the awful disease that I have, and it finally arrived! The Miss Morgan County Pageant 2011. I had never been in a pageant, never thought that I would want to be in one, and didn't think I'd ever be able to partake in one.
The fabulous women in charge of the pageant, worked with me in extremely wonderful ways. I could use my wheelchair whenever needed, could have help walking anywhere, and they allowed my mom to be back stage in case something would happen.
In my interview with my judges, I talked about Lyme as long as they would listen. I wore my Lyme ribbon and Lyme bracelet during every event...including the evening gown wear. I sat in my wheelchair proudly (smiling but in excruciating pain). During intermission, I spoke to everyone I could get to about Lyme Disease. Even if I had touched one person, that was enough. That was my goal.
"And Miss Morgan County 2011 is, Jenna Hansroth!!"
I smiled. Sure, it was nice getting a crown and being the pretty popular girl for the night, but I was gleaming with the thought "wow, I have the title...I CAN EDUCATE ABOUT LYME DISEASE! I CAN MAKE A CHANGE!!"
Never thought this would be thrown my way this year, but I'm taking advantage! Everyone, be prepared for some education and new knowledge!!
The fabulous women in charge of the pageant, worked with me in extremely wonderful ways. I could use my wheelchair whenever needed, could have help walking anywhere, and they allowed my mom to be back stage in case something would happen.
In my interview with my judges, I talked about Lyme as long as they would listen. I wore my Lyme ribbon and Lyme bracelet during every event...including the evening gown wear. I sat in my wheelchair proudly (smiling but in excruciating pain). During intermission, I spoke to everyone I could get to about Lyme Disease. Even if I had touched one person, that was enough. That was my goal.
"And Miss Morgan County 2011 is, Jenna Hansroth!!"
I smiled. Sure, it was nice getting a crown and being the pretty popular girl for the night, but I was gleaming with the thought "wow, I have the title...I CAN EDUCATE ABOUT LYME DISEASE! I CAN MAKE A CHANGE!!"
Never thought this would be thrown my way this year, but I'm taking advantage! Everyone, be prepared for some education and new knowledge!!
Friday, November 5, 2010
A Lyme Symphony
"Snap, Crackle, Pop." Most people hear those three sounds and immediately think of of Rice Krispies cereal popping with milk. When I hear those three sounds, it's usually my joints or other parts of my body expressing that they want a break. They want me to sit, lay down, watch a movie, and maybe take some pain pills (that, I don't object to), but being a 17 year old, I don't want to sit. I don't want to lay down. I want to be out with my friends...going to the boys' state soccer tournament, planning a trip to go snow tubing at Whitetail. Unfortunately, my body doesn't want to cooperate. And I'm starting to finally get the picture that maybe, just maybe, I should listen.
"Thud, crack." That would be the sound of me hitting the floor. My body giving out, too weak to walk back to my room. Mom hadn't heard that sound all day, but from the minute I got home today, that's all she's heard.
I've been off the chemotherapy for about two months now because of how fragile my body was and the constant seizures and narc attacks I was having. Those two months, I thought would be easy and fun. No nausea 24/7, actually being able to eat again, walking without pain, and maybe go back to being Jenna a little more. Instead my Lyme has gradually started to worsen, and I can tell I've lost some of the progress I had made with the previous months of treatment.
"Mmmmmm." (The ugh kind of "mmm" not the tasty kind) hummed from my body the second I got home from school today. There was the box. The box of treatments. The painful package of chemotherapy. A box I wasn't expecting for a couple days...here it was, and I was starting the vicious cycle of chemo all over again tonight. Here's to nonstop vomitting, weakness, and ucky yucky stuff.
"HA!" The music of laughter. Finally over the self-pity, I looked over the box at my dog, Kara.
"Bring it on baby..."
"Thud, crack." That would be the sound of me hitting the floor. My body giving out, too weak to walk back to my room. Mom hadn't heard that sound all day, but from the minute I got home today, that's all she's heard.
I've been off the chemotherapy for about two months now because of how fragile my body was and the constant seizures and narc attacks I was having. Those two months, I thought would be easy and fun. No nausea 24/7, actually being able to eat again, walking without pain, and maybe go back to being Jenna a little more. Instead my Lyme has gradually started to worsen, and I can tell I've lost some of the progress I had made with the previous months of treatment.
"Mmmmmm." (The ugh kind of "mmm" not the tasty kind) hummed from my body the second I got home from school today. There was the box. The box of treatments. The painful package of chemotherapy. A box I wasn't expecting for a couple days...here it was, and I was starting the vicious cycle of chemo all over again tonight. Here's to nonstop vomitting, weakness, and ucky yucky stuff.
"HA!" The music of laughter. Finally over the self-pity, I looked over the box at my dog, Kara.
"Bring it on baby..."
Thursday, November 4, 2010
"One Great Faker..."
Hey guys,
I know I haven't posted anything since July. Believe me, there have been countless times that I've wanted to, but I've also encountered very serious new problems, been trying to keep up with school and my social life, and all that teenage stuff.
This morning, I definitely had to post something though because it's really getting to me. Anymore, things don't get to me that often, but I know for a fact that this is a dilemma that all Lyme patients face, and is sometimes more difficult to deal with than the disease itself.
Yesterday morning, I almost had to be rushed to the ER. A combination of a blood sugar of 30, Lyme symptoms, AND ketones can be a fatal combination, and passing out from it certainly doesn't help anything. Even though this experience was a first, my superhero momma came to the rescue and fixed me right up. I like to call her Dr. Mom. I felt extremely weak afterwards, as anyone would, but a visit with my boyfriend, best friend, and a puppy named Snickers made me perky again. Perky, bubbly, dorky Jenna again. A girl that hadn't been seen for an extremely long time.
I got tons of compliments on looking great, and all that shabang, but also heard a lot of things that hurt too. "Finally, she's back to normal. That whole sick thing was weird." "Look at her. No Wheelchair. She can talk normal. Her mommy isn't helping her walk. She's laughing. Wow...not who I thought she was, but now I know...one great faker." All of these repeated in my head over and over but I tried not to let them get to me. I was going on a date with Brenton for the first night in a long time, and it was NOT going to ruin me...though the sting from those words is still with me.
Starting last night, I went back to feeling terrible. Countless painful symptoms. The terrifying experience of waking in the middle night with complete amnesia...not knowing who I was, who anyone else was, where I was...ANYTHING!! I woke screaming and crying in severe pain and now can't walk without, yes, my mommy, helping me.
I'm going to school today. Most people I've talked to with Lyme said they wished they could sleep through the whole experience, but I don't. I want to live and laugh, regardless of the pain. I want to have family dinners and watch movies with my brother. I want to be with my boyfriend all the time. I want my life to be changed by this for the better, not to "sleep through it all and feel no pain". Who knows...maybe my suffering will help someone else. MORE THAN WORTH ANY PAIN. I repeat...I'm going to school today. My mommy will be helping me. I will be sitting the whole time. I won't be who I was yesterday. I will be a "lymie" again.
I'm ready for students to say I'm "faking", or whatever they have to say. I'm a big girl and will still smile at them. I'm not going to say "go to hell" or "wish they'd walk a mile in my shoes" like I could. I'm going to pray as hard as possible for them to not go through the hell-filled 4 years that I have, but maybe throw in a prayer that they don't judge so much. That lesson I have been very much reminded of lately, and I think we all should work on it.
I know I haven't posted anything since July. Believe me, there have been countless times that I've wanted to, but I've also encountered very serious new problems, been trying to keep up with school and my social life, and all that teenage stuff.
This morning, I definitely had to post something though because it's really getting to me. Anymore, things don't get to me that often, but I know for a fact that this is a dilemma that all Lyme patients face, and is sometimes more difficult to deal with than the disease itself.
Yesterday morning, I almost had to be rushed to the ER. A combination of a blood sugar of 30, Lyme symptoms, AND ketones can be a fatal combination, and passing out from it certainly doesn't help anything. Even though this experience was a first, my superhero momma came to the rescue and fixed me right up. I like to call her Dr. Mom. I felt extremely weak afterwards, as anyone would, but a visit with my boyfriend, best friend, and a puppy named Snickers made me perky again. Perky, bubbly, dorky Jenna again. A girl that hadn't been seen for an extremely long time.
I got tons of compliments on looking great, and all that shabang, but also heard a lot of things that hurt too. "Finally, she's back to normal. That whole sick thing was weird." "Look at her. No Wheelchair. She can talk normal. Her mommy isn't helping her walk. She's laughing. Wow...not who I thought she was, but now I know...one great faker." All of these repeated in my head over and over but I tried not to let them get to me. I was going on a date with Brenton for the first night in a long time, and it was NOT going to ruin me...though the sting from those words is still with me.
Starting last night, I went back to feeling terrible. Countless painful symptoms. The terrifying experience of waking in the middle night with complete amnesia...not knowing who I was, who anyone else was, where I was...ANYTHING!! I woke screaming and crying in severe pain and now can't walk without, yes, my mommy, helping me.
I'm going to school today. Most people I've talked to with Lyme said they wished they could sleep through the whole experience, but I don't. I want to live and laugh, regardless of the pain. I want to have family dinners and watch movies with my brother. I want to be with my boyfriend all the time. I want my life to be changed by this for the better, not to "sleep through it all and feel no pain". Who knows...maybe my suffering will help someone else. MORE THAN WORTH ANY PAIN. I repeat...I'm going to school today. My mommy will be helping me. I will be sitting the whole time. I won't be who I was yesterday. I will be a "lymie" again.
I'm ready for students to say I'm "faking", or whatever they have to say. I'm a big girl and will still smile at them. I'm not going to say "go to hell" or "wish they'd walk a mile in my shoes" like I could. I'm going to pray as hard as possible for them to not go through the hell-filled 4 years that I have, but maybe throw in a prayer that they don't judge so much. That lesson I have been very much reminded of lately, and I think we all should work on it.
Monday, July 5, 2010
No Words Needed
This treatment is killing me. I can't move my legs or the lower part of my body and my arms are too weak to hold a glass of kool-aid (I dropped it, making a terrible mess). My convulsive twitching is out of control and I'm praying my "Hail Mary's" the whole way through the seizure-like things. My speech has quickly gone downhill. I can't talk at all sometimes, and lots of times I stutter and can't get my words out.
You know when you're truly in love with someone or are great friends when you can't speak, but they know what's going through your mind. Yesterday night, I couldn't speak whatsoever. I needed to say a lot of things...I'm hurting, I cam't move at all, I don't want dinner, I feel sick. Most importantly, I wanted to say "I love you" to my family. Somehow they knew from the look in my eyes, and we hugged and cried together. They knew I needed comfort, and they were there. My brother was going to a party at a friends house yesterday night. I needed to tell him my usual "don't drink whatsoever, don't let any of your intoxicated friends drive, come home if you're not comfortable there" etc. He knows all of this, but as his little sister, I remind him constantly. Not being able to talk or stand up to get him, I tugged at his shirt. He knew exactly what I meant by the look in my eyes.
Lesson Learned? Even though I'm addicted to talking and do so nonstop, words aren't always needed. Simple quiet gestures sometime show it greater...a hug, kiss on the cheek, simple smiling, holding someones hand... They're simple, but say it all + more!
You know when you're truly in love with someone or are great friends when you can't speak, but they know what's going through your mind. Yesterday night, I couldn't speak whatsoever. I needed to say a lot of things...I'm hurting, I cam't move at all, I don't want dinner, I feel sick. Most importantly, I wanted to say "I love you" to my family. Somehow they knew from the look in my eyes, and we hugged and cried together. They knew I needed comfort, and they were there. My brother was going to a party at a friends house yesterday night. I needed to tell him my usual "don't drink whatsoever, don't let any of your intoxicated friends drive, come home if you're not comfortable there" etc. He knows all of this, but as his little sister, I remind him constantly. Not being able to talk or stand up to get him, I tugged at his shirt. He knew exactly what I meant by the look in my eyes.
Lesson Learned? Even though I'm addicted to talking and do so nonstop, words aren't always needed. Simple quiet gestures sometime show it greater...a hug, kiss on the cheek, simple smiling, holding someones hand... They're simple, but say it all + more!
Friday, July 2, 2010
My Sweet Escape ♥
I'm going to be a senior this school year. I had not been to the beach since 6th grade. Six years without my ocean, my "take my breath away, inspiring ocean". My momma and grandma realized how much I needed to escape, and planned a surprise trip to Ocean City/Assateague Island. I was SO excited that I packed 2.5 weeks before we were leaving. It was a dream come true. Over the last couple weeks whenever I herx'd (while being delusional), I kept saying: "I'm going to the beach, I will be okay; I'm going to the beach, I will be okay." Momma and Grandma did just that.
When I stepped onto Assateague beach, I cried from happiness. The salty smell in the air, the sand giving me a natural pedicure, the waves dancing onto the shore, made me feel relaxed, soothed, and extremely happy. My little cousins ran through the waves splashing each other, laughing their way to a tummy ache. My mom and grandma stood with me, where the waves just refreshed our feet, holding hands. Three generations, holding hands, loving each other, loving life. This was a precious memory, one that I'll remember forever. Being there is just what I needed this summer...an escape from the bed I lay in all day too nauseous to move, a place where I didn't have to think before I talked which saved me from stuttering, a place where I didn't needed to be distracted from my pain. The beach was magical, and took away all of my fear and worries.
I sat on the shore line with my two year-old cousin, my aunt/bff, and my momma. I watched the waves slowly crawl onto the shore, listened to the sound that only oceans make, and watched the sun glisten on the tide.
If anything, I learned to see things differently; to see the beauty of little things; and to enjoy the small stuff. And most importantly, I questioned, "How can there NOT be a God?!"
When I stepped onto Assateague beach, I cried from happiness. The salty smell in the air, the sand giving me a natural pedicure, the waves dancing onto the shore, made me feel relaxed, soothed, and extremely happy. My little cousins ran through the waves splashing each other, laughing their way to a tummy ache. My mom and grandma stood with me, where the waves just refreshed our feet, holding hands. Three generations, holding hands, loving each other, loving life. This was a precious memory, one that I'll remember forever. Being there is just what I needed this summer...an escape from the bed I lay in all day too nauseous to move, a place where I didn't have to think before I talked which saved me from stuttering, a place where I didn't needed to be distracted from my pain. The beach was magical, and took away all of my fear and worries.
I sat on the shore line with my two year-old cousin, my aunt/bff, and my momma. I watched the waves slowly crawl onto the shore, listened to the sound that only oceans make, and watched the sun glisten on the tide.
If anything, I learned to see things differently; to see the beauty of little things; and to enjoy the small stuff. And most importantly, I questioned, "How can there NOT be a God?!"
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Sometimes They Just Want to Scream
Today, one of my best friends, lost his sister in a car accident. She was riding her bike and a car hit her. She didn't suffer, her heart just stopped. My mom took the phone call, and I instantly new something was wrong by her facial expression. An expression of disbelief and sorrow. The second that I found out, I didn't believe it. It was a disturbing day dream. That thought flew out of my mind quickly.
I'm a sobber. I sob during happy times, sad times, mad times, funny times. That's just how I express myself. Sobbing is what came next for me.
Mom helped me get dressed and into the car, and we were at the hospital within minutes. I got out and into my wheelchair and rolled over to where my friends were standing with the family who lost a part of their heart. We sobbed together, hugged each other, and tried to console each other. When time came to talk to my friend, I sobbed harder. I've never been faced with that situation in my 17 years of life.
I listened as everyone said "I'm sorry", "we're praying", "she's in a better place". Don't get me wrong, I believe all of that, but tonight I decided that that isn't always what the person who lost their loved one/friend wants to hear. At that time, they're not taking any of that in. Everyone is saying that to them, and it just becomes something they're used to hearing, and they no longer think about the actual words. I decided that I'm not saying that any longer. I want them to know that yes, I'm sorry. But I'm not going to repeat what everyone else is saying. "I don't know what you're thinking, but THIS SUCKS!" "If you want to scream, yell, cuss, or be mean to someone for a while. I'll be that person, and then hug you afterwards." "You call at 3am, I'll be awake and listening. Even if you don't want to talk to listen, we can sit there in silence together." Are just a few things that I'm going to say. Things that are really taken in during the emotional storm.
The girl that walked through the gates of heaven today was funny, smart, and kind. She was a friend, sister, daughter, and more. She was an incredible, talented, beautiful dancer. She was too young to die, and her family doesn't deserve to go through this, as any family would.
Rest in peace, J.A.R.
I'm a sobber. I sob during happy times, sad times, mad times, funny times. That's just how I express myself. Sobbing is what came next for me.
Mom helped me get dressed and into the car, and we were at the hospital within minutes. I got out and into my wheelchair and rolled over to where my friends were standing with the family who lost a part of their heart. We sobbed together, hugged each other, and tried to console each other. When time came to talk to my friend, I sobbed harder. I've never been faced with that situation in my 17 years of life.
I listened as everyone said "I'm sorry", "we're praying", "she's in a better place". Don't get me wrong, I believe all of that, but tonight I decided that that isn't always what the person who lost their loved one/friend wants to hear. At that time, they're not taking any of that in. Everyone is saying that to them, and it just becomes something they're used to hearing, and they no longer think about the actual words. I decided that I'm not saying that any longer. I want them to know that yes, I'm sorry. But I'm not going to repeat what everyone else is saying. "I don't know what you're thinking, but THIS SUCKS!" "If you want to scream, yell, cuss, or be mean to someone for a while. I'll be that person, and then hug you afterwards." "You call at 3am, I'll be awake and listening. Even if you don't want to talk to listen, we can sit there in silence together." Are just a few things that I'm going to say. Things that are really taken in during the emotional storm.
The girl that walked through the gates of heaven today was funny, smart, and kind. She was a friend, sister, daughter, and more. She was an incredible, talented, beautiful dancer. She was too young to die, and her family doesn't deserve to go through this, as any family would.
Rest in peace, J.A.R.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
To Doctors That Blew me off
Dear Pickle-headed rude Doctors (this does not include those willing to treat Lyme effectively),
I learned recently that before you start practicing medicine you take an oath to help people to the best of your ability. I'm sorry to inform you that you've broken this oath.
You probably don't remember me since you appeared to be too busy making vacation plans, talking to your realtor, or arguing with your wife that its her turn to pick up your twins from school. Let me remind you of who I am. I came to you with many symptoms...constant headache for a year, temporary facial paralysis, twitching, memory loss, cognitive problems, significant weight gain/loss, severe pain throughout my whole body, uncontrollable blood sugars, heart racing, trouble breathing, and intense fatigue to the point that I can't get out of bed.
I went a year or more with these symptoms and saw all of you specialists. Finally, my family doctor suggested that it could be Lyme Disease! Finally we found what was making me sick. After this diagnosis, I thought I'd be treated and move on. No such luck with you guys. "It's not Lyme, it's your hormones." - Cardiologist (heart was affected from Lyme) "There's nothing wrong with you except you're a teenager who doesn't want to go to school." - Audiologist (went to with hearing loss, cognitive problems, etc.) "You aren't taking your shots-- you must be trying to lose weight." - Endocrinologist (for wild blood sugar numbers) "You're a rebellious teenager and want more attention...keep your brain active and you'll feel less foggy." - Neurologist (headache, twitching, paralysis, pain, etc.) "It's in your head. There isn't any Lyme in West Virginia." - CLUELESS Infectious Disease Doctor (for all the symptoms). I could go on and on with more stories and mean quotes, but I feel you have gotten the point. I went to you for help, not because I wanted to waste my time or my parents' money.
I'd like you to know that I'm now going to one of the best Lyme-literate doctors in the world. He sees hundreds of patients a week, including some who fly in from around the world. Of all these people he treats, he puts just 20% of them on IV antibiotics. I (yeah, me!) am on a PICC line now receiving the treatment you should have given me. I'm one of those 20% of patients, meaning that I am worse than 80% of his other patients. Hmm, guess it wasn't just in my head.
Thank you for teaching me what a compassionate doctor acts like and how doctors shouldn't act. My brother is preparing to go to medical school, and has now learned how NOT to be like you. You all are booger brains.
Your friend - NOT!
Jenna
I learned recently that before you start practicing medicine you take an oath to help people to the best of your ability. I'm sorry to inform you that you've broken this oath.
You probably don't remember me since you appeared to be too busy making vacation plans, talking to your realtor, or arguing with your wife that its her turn to pick up your twins from school. Let me remind you of who I am. I came to you with many symptoms...constant headache for a year, temporary facial paralysis, twitching, memory loss, cognitive problems, significant weight gain/loss, severe pain throughout my whole body, uncontrollable blood sugars, heart racing, trouble breathing, and intense fatigue to the point that I can't get out of bed.
I went a year or more with these symptoms and saw all of you specialists. Finally, my family doctor suggested that it could be Lyme Disease! Finally we found what was making me sick. After this diagnosis, I thought I'd be treated and move on. No such luck with you guys. "It's not Lyme, it's your hormones." - Cardiologist (heart was affected from Lyme) "There's nothing wrong with you except you're a teenager who doesn't want to go to school." - Audiologist (went to with hearing loss, cognitive problems, etc.) "You aren't taking your shots-- you must be trying to lose weight." - Endocrinologist (for wild blood sugar numbers) "You're a rebellious teenager and want more attention...keep your brain active and you'll feel less foggy." - Neurologist (headache, twitching, paralysis, pain, etc.) "It's in your head. There isn't any Lyme in West Virginia." - CLUELESS Infectious Disease Doctor (for all the symptoms). I could go on and on with more stories and mean quotes, but I feel you have gotten the point. I went to you for help, not because I wanted to waste my time or my parents' money.
I'd like you to know that I'm now going to one of the best Lyme-literate doctors in the world. He sees hundreds of patients a week, including some who fly in from around the world. Of all these people he treats, he puts just 20% of them on IV antibiotics. I (yeah, me!) am on a PICC line now receiving the treatment you should have given me. I'm one of those 20% of patients, meaning that I am worse than 80% of his other patients. Hmm, guess it wasn't just in my head.
Thank you for teaching me what a compassionate doctor acts like and how doctors shouldn't act. My brother is preparing to go to medical school, and has now learned how NOT to be like you. You all are booger brains.
Your friend - NOT!
Jenna
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Lyme List
No fancy writing. Not a bucket list. Not completely reaching for the stars. These are just some things that I would like to do after kicking Lyme's butt. Some things that would perhaps make me a better person, or maybe just some fun silly things to make life fun. Just a LITTLE list (I could go on for hours!)...nothing more :)
1. Go to NYC. The Big Apple. I missed the opportunity to go with my 4-H group for a weekend and long day trip with my Economics class.
2. Start a business that I've had in mind for 2 years. (Can't tell you what it is. People these days steal all ideas)
3. Start a non-profit group that I've had in mind for 15 years. (Can't tell you that either...sorry)
4. Go rappelling. I've wanted to do this since seeing a specific episode in the retired sitcom, "Growing Pains". I had the opportunity to go with 4-H, but had to decline unfortunately.
5. Live life like Mrs. Betty White's role, Rose, in "Golden Girls". Not the being blonde aspect, but the kind and innocent parts.
6. Run, dance, play the sports I used to, go for walks after rain and jump in puddles, play in the snow, etc. All of the physical things that I haven't been able to.
7. Take a life-changing mission trip. I need to have my eyes opened a lot more.
8. Teach Kara, my golden retriever, some fun and corny tricks.
9. Strengthen my faith even more and help out more with church activities. Maybe take a long kayak ride with Father Jack, my priest.
10. SUGGESTIONS?!
I have so many more things I plan on doing, but I'd like to know what you think I should do. Please, only appropriate comments haha :)
1. Go to NYC. The Big Apple. I missed the opportunity to go with my 4-H group for a weekend and long day trip with my Economics class.
2. Start a business that I've had in mind for 2 years. (Can't tell you what it is. People these days steal all ideas)
3. Start a non-profit group that I've had in mind for 15 years. (Can't tell you that either...sorry)
4. Go rappelling. I've wanted to do this since seeing a specific episode in the retired sitcom, "Growing Pains". I had the opportunity to go with 4-H, but had to decline unfortunately.
5. Live life like Mrs. Betty White's role, Rose, in "Golden Girls". Not the being blonde aspect, but the kind and innocent parts.
6. Run, dance, play the sports I used to, go for walks after rain and jump in puddles, play in the snow, etc. All of the physical things that I haven't been able to.
7. Take a life-changing mission trip. I need to have my eyes opened a lot more.
8. Teach Kara, my golden retriever, some fun and corny tricks.
9. Strengthen my faith even more and help out more with church activities. Maybe take a long kayak ride with Father Jack, my priest.
10. SUGGESTIONS?!
I have so many more things I plan on doing, but I'd like to know what you think I should do. Please, only appropriate comments haha :)
To be Perky or Not to be Perky...
I'm a perky person. Or so I've been told. "Perky Jenna", "Smiling Jenna", and "Happy Jenna" are just a few names that I've been called. People tell me I'm a positive person. I have always taken it as a compliment, until recently. I've been extremely sick for 6 years now. Diabetes, diabetic complications, constantly battling raging blood sugar numbers, and finally, Lyme Disease are just a few parts to the equation. I went at least a year before being diagnosed with the Lyme Disease and now it's in the late stages. Constant headache for a year, severe memory-loss, not being able to speak or read 90% of the time, severe fatigue, not being able to breathe most of the time, cry and scream pain that NEVER goes away (meds help to calm me down, not take the pain away), and twitching are just a small number of symptoms that I've had for the past year. When people ask how I'm doing, I say "pretty good" every time because it's become automatic. I thought that if people knew how I was REALLY feeling that they would think of me as "the sick kid". So, when I am occasionally around my friends (too sick to attend school), I act like nothing is wrong and my normal "Perky Jenna" self. Even around strangers I act like nothing is wrong. That's officially bitten me in the butt.
I'm in my 4th, close to my 5th month of intense IV antibiotic treatments, compared to chemotherapy. I'm sicker than a dog, and usually don't get out of bed except to pee. For that to happen, my brother has to carry me to the bathroom, my mom helps me, and I get carried back. TMI, I know, but people just aren't getting it. I'M SICK!!! My friends obviously don't take me seriously. I never get called, texted or emailed unless I contact them out of the blue. Usually they're too busy with their social lives to get back to me. No one stops by except my boyfriend. Most teachers at my high school claim that I'm faking, don't make an effort to help out in anyway, or say that I'm just trying to get attention. All of this because when I'm around them, I'm perky and don't complain. Since when do you have to whine all of the time and mope around to be classified as seriously sick?! I feel guilty telling people how I feel because I feel like I shouldn't complain...JESUS HUNG ON A CROSS! I can handle what I'm going through. BUT, I'm cutting the poop (crap is not a nice word)! I'm going to let people know how I really feel (without whining). I'm going to say "I feel like I'm dying", as many people with Lyme Disease and Diabetic complications do. I'll be happy and pleasant while doing so, but maybe people will learn that I am REALLY sick.
Lyme Warrior Princess
This was taken before my junior prom. With my nausea medicine and LOTS of over the counter pain medicine,I danced my bum off...but not without paying for it afterwards that night and the next day. My aunt, also the photographer (Suzanne Mellott Photography), named it "Lyme Warrior Princess" since I was showing my PICC line and proud of it!
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